Cigarettes

I haven't had a cigarette for over 10 years. This fact doesn't stop me from craving one when I get really stressed out, even after all this time.
Having been really stressed out today, I began to ponder. What in the world would make me desire to have a cigarette after all this time. It certainly isn't physiological, not after 10 years. in addition, there are a whole list of reasons not to smoke. Health issues, being ostracized from society at large, constantly smelling like an ashtray, not being able to taste food as well, extremely high cost, nicotine addiction, second-hand smoke effects on those around me, the list goes on and on.

So what exactly is it?

In short, cigarettes make me think more clearly.
Expounding on that, I must admit I've never been a chain-smoker. I'd get really stressed out about things, smoke a pack or two over the space of a couple of days, then I'd quit again for months at a time. Therefore, for me, smoking was a coping mechanism.
When I would be stressed out, most of all, I usually sought solitude. I sought the time to think things over carefully, to seek internally solutions to my problems. Generally, my multi-tasking brain cannot handle processing just one thing at a time. I am nearly always doing several things at once. It is just my nature.

But when I smoked, everything just stopped. I didn't usually smoke around other people. With each drag, concentrating simultaneously on the sublime beauty of each individual lit strand of tobacco while carefully controlling my breathing, I was able to force out all other threads of thought save two: My lit cigarette, and the problem I sought to analyze. With the nicotine buzz came emotional numbness and the ability to step back away from my problems and take an objective look at them while detached.

Over time, I'd like to think that I have developed better coping skills than ingesting known carcinogens. I'd like to believe that I am a better man now than I was 10 years ago, wiser and more responsible. I'd like to think that I would set the example for my 4 sons which I would like them to emulate.
I'd like to think all of those things.

So why do I sit here craving a cigarette?

Back from vacation!

I just got back from a week long cruise to Mexico. I’ll probably put up some pictures later, but here is the short version of my trip.

Short List of Things I learned in Mexico:
- “Drive it like you stole it” is more than just a punk catchphrase – it is a way of life for these people. There are only two positions for the gas pedal: up and down.
- The price is always negotiable.
- The beaches in Cabo San Lucas are not comprised of sand – they are very fine gravel which makes for clear water, but it sucks to walk on barefoot.
- Even in the most barren looking village, you can still find two things: Coke and Vendors selling touristy crap.
- Traffic signals, lane markings, traffic signs and turn signals are all just for decoration. The only thing that matters is that you roll down the window, look back, and wave your arm at someone just before you cut them off.
- Cobblestone streets are quaint – and also very rough.
- Wal-Mart is everywhere.
- So is Costco.

Short List of Things I learned on the Cruise Ship:
- Cops will recognize each other no matter where they are.
- Check to be sure that there is not a gathering of “Hogs on the High Seas” going on your cruise unless you want to see A LOT of skin you’d rather not be seeing.
- Bikers will recognize cops, and cops will recognize bikers, no matter where they are.
- Simon Cowell’s insults of “that was a cruise ship performance” are much meaner than I thought.
- Cannonballs are not allowed in the indoor pool.
- Especially if you are the second one.
- You aren’t supposed to take your pocketknife through the security checkpoints, but the ship’s first officer will only give you a warning if he thinks you are a cop, especially if 1100 of the ships 2100 passengers are intoxicated bikers.

I don't like being a mushroom

Frequently at my current full-time job, I feel like I must be a mushroom. Because mushrooms are kept in the dark and fed manure.
Today I had a fun experience where the wheels fell off the project I've been working on the last couple of weeks. I was missing several VITAL pieces of information, that were critical to my project turning out successfully.
So I look like a complete and total moron, when it really wasn't my fault. That is kind of par for the course recently. No one seems to have a handle on what they want to accomplish, so I end up programming at a moving target, one that not only moves frequently, but also one which I don't have vital information about.
This sucks. :(